I have to snap out of this!

He threw me away, I have to accept it and move on. Why can't I numb this deep aching inside of me? I'll live, I know this. So why can't I let go of my love for him? The love he took from me and then discarded when it no longer fit his needs. Why do I continue to hang on to it? It used to fill me with hope, passion, and joy. Now it only leaves  me empty, lost,  and doubled over in pain. I read his love letters over and over. Trying to understand what happened to the man who said he wanted to grow old with me, I was his soulmate. He said he knew he had loved me in another life and promised to love me for the rest of this life and the next. Why did I believe in a love that strong? If it truely existed, why was I not worthy of it? Why am I destined to be alone and unloved? I look ahead, and only see darkness. Was there ever light there? Or did I only want it so bad that imagined it.      

"There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy." ~ Jean Anouilh

How did I let it happen to me? I believed it all. I wanted it so bad that I ignored that small voice that kept telling me that this will never end good. The odds were against me, I knew this. I have seen this situation with others and looked on and said to myself, " How could she not know it would be like this? She knew what she signed up for from day one." Yet, here I am, alone, again. Nothing but a huge void inside me. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I take no pleasure in anything. I can't cry on anyone's shoulder, because I kept this secret in hopes that it would be worth it in the end. He promised me it would be. I stood by silently for years in the shadows. Believing that one day I would be able to step out into the light and have the life I have longed for. The life he told me he longed for as well, with me. Now I must still stay in the shadows, with my pain and my shame. Silently weeping, knowing that I was a fool for believing that love was meant for me.