Saturday, December 24, 2011

I accepted myself as second choice and when I did that, I stopped believing that I deserved to be somebody's first choice. Then I wasn't even good enough to be the second choice anymore. I lost the woman who deserves to love and be loved. The last time I lost her, it took a small miricle to find her. How do I find her again? How do I tell her not to give up on herself, that she does deserve to be someone's fisrt choice.....

Monday, November 01, 2010

Halloween

Edgar Allan Poe
The Raven
[First published in 1845]

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!'
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.'

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never-nevermore."'

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.'

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Life goes on....

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody know
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Edward Estlin Cummings


I will always have a place in my heart for you. But I must burry it deep where I can't feel it anymore.....

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I have to snap out of this!

He threw me away, I have to accept it and move on. Why can't I numb this deep aching inside of me? I'll live, I know this. So why can't I let go of my love for him? The love he took from me and then discarded when it no longer fit his needs. Why do I continue to hang on to it? It used to fill me with hope, passion, and joy. Now it only leaves  me empty, lost,  and doubled over in pain. I read his love letters over and over. Trying to understand what happened to the man who said he wanted to grow old with me, I was his soulmate. He said he knew he had loved me in another life and promised to love me for the rest of this life and the next. Why did I believe in a love that strong? If it truely existed, why was I not worthy of it? Why am I destined to be alone and unloved? I look ahead, and only see darkness. Was there ever light there? Or did I only want it so bad that imagined it.      

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"There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy." ~ Jean Anouilh

How did I let it happen to me? I believed it all. I wanted it so bad that I ignored that small voice that kept telling me that this will never end good. The odds were against me, I knew this. I have seen this situation with others and looked on and said to myself, " How could she not know it would be like this? She knew what she signed up for from day one." Yet, here I am, alone, again. Nothing but a huge void inside me. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I take no pleasure in anything. I can't cry on anyone's shoulder, because I kept this secret in hopes that it would be worth it in the end. He promised me it would be. I stood by silently for years in the shadows. Believing that one day I would be able to step out into the light and have the life I have longed for. The life he told me he longed for as well, with me. Now I must still stay in the shadows, with my pain and my shame. Silently weeping, knowing that I was a fool for believing that love was meant for me. 

Saturday, September 01, 2007

What doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger.


I was raised with the belief that if you work hard, you will have opportunities afforded to you. But obviously, that is not so. Society coddles the lazy and hands them all they need. If they do not become productive and support themselves, we give them MORE. Productive people, those who work hard and go without when they can't afford something, are given NOTHING. Further more, if those who are given these things become productive in any way, shape or form, they are cut off. Why would they even try to better themselves? In my experience, opportunities are reserved for underachievers and quota filling. Equal opportunity means just that, an equal opportunity, not a hand out. If everyone is given the same opportunity, then only those who truly qualify, will prevail. Those who don't prevail, should then look to themselves and strive to work harder. Instead, they look for an angle to claim unfairness and the powers that be don't want that stigma. Those that are where they are on merit, wind up having to carry those who used this method of getting in the door.

My back aches from carrying this load. But I guess I will be carrying it for some time. As will my children, for I plan to raise them the same way.